Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Brooklyn Heights

Little man,
big dreams.

Bluetooth on his scooter
setting up schoolyard fantasies
he might never want
to achieve.

Friday, October 28, 2011


Game 7 of the world series, and The Lady made jalapeno poppers, chili/guacamole nachos and sliced apple (for health). Throw in a case of yuengling, and I'm pretty sure that's a win.

How u?

Saturday, October 22, 2011

My 1st Time

Growing up in the 80s and 90s, the kid missed out on a cultural landmark, one that pretty much drew stares of shock and awe from the ladies in his life, especially considering his familial affinity for dance (via a broader relationship to the performing arts). The gasps started somewhere around high school, and moving forward, it became kind of a thing. Chalking it up to never dating anyone longer than six weeks, the kid figured if anyone ever conned him into watching Dirty Dancing, she'd have to be "The One."

After an engagement and two World Series games in two days, the jig was up.

Don't believe I didn't take notes. Enjoy.

Chillin live at the crib, Lady on the couch, Presidente at my side. She's already asked if "Be My Baby" could be our 1st Dance song. Also, she loves pink cursive: "It looks like neon."

The Lady says, "It has all the good songs in it." Because Big Girls Don't Cry just came on. This likely has something to do with the tape being stuck in her mom's tape deck during the early teenage years.

P.S. "I never though I'd find a guy as great as my dad?" Really, Baby, really? That's a whole set of issues.

There's a mention of Sandy Koufax on someone's transistor radio. That doubles as redeeming value and our 1st Jewish reference.

Also, I'm still waiting for the Law and Order chung-CHUNG to kick in.

Ferris' sister should judo kick someone in the face.

Nice haircut, Billy Zabka.

Group dancing in a pagoda dock? This is like Jew Camp all over again. Ha.

Seriously? Orchestral "Time of My Life" this early? Foreshadowing much? Gimme a chance to warm up!

"All the daughters – even the dogs." Classy.

The Lady: "Wiseasses wear funny glasses inside at night."

Just saying, but Patrick Swayze's hair was kind of awesome. My ish just goes straight. Lame. At least I look good with a buzz.

Also, any time you can take a shot at two groups of starving children, you just have to take that shot.

Cornell hospitality program. Sweet. He's totally not a creeper. Also, claiming to be a white Freedom Rider in order to get girls is bad juju. That's why Yankee Doddle Dandy showed him up with that dip.

"The Dance People." Might not sell lessons, but they just sold sex. HEYO!

Aaaand she's a magician's assistant. Magicians always get the girls. As long as they're David Copperfield or that guy who stayed in ice above times square for a month without breathing. Whatever –  that wasn't even magic. Just stupid.

Also, going into staff quarters means she's gonna do it. That's pretty much the only outcome. I wouldn't know.

TL: "There's going to be black people." And immediately Zabka carrying watermelons. Yikes.

Apparently this is the best part, The Lady tells me. When Zabka drops a watermeon. I opted for the Latina girl showing more leg than she's got hair. And this was the 80s.

So many '80s haircuts. Isn't this movie set in the '60s?

Also, TL: "There they are." Upon the reveal of Wesley Snipes and the other black person. Good thing the casting director remembered to add them in, or else we wouldn't think this movie was very diverse. #worstaffirmativeactionever

"Johnny Castle"?! He was in porn.

He's also a midair muff diver. Good trick. The Lady later asked if we could learn how to do that. I'm fairly certain I said "Yes" before she finished the question.

The black people are back. Cameo! Word up.

"I carried a watermelon." HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHA. She's done. Flub that bad in front of a dude and your panties might as well be on the floor next to a neon arrow pointing back up.

Also, I haven't seen stiffer dancing since my bar mitzvah.

They're totally gonna do it.

"There's a pretty view from the first tee (... of my boobs.)"

Former Rockette, mom kicked her out at 16 – just like all the ones I met through my mom. Cheers!

Patrick Swayze's hair was really amazing. really.

We're hoping Penny's not an "all-night break"?! Druuuuuugs. Guaranteed.

"Let's take a walk (... and do it.)"

"I own two hotels (... and a three inch penis.)"

I'll be here translating sexual subtext all week!

Streit's matzos! Feels like home. Or at least the Temple pantry. Save for the shivering hooker suffering withdrawal in the corner. You know what makes the food at retreats taste better? Hopelessness.

Matzo meal! most jewish movie ever, and we're like 15 minutes in. No wonder everyone was mad i missed this.

Billy Zabka's name is actually Billy? That's amazing.

A New Paltz reference! I'm connected to this movie up and down. And we're already on our first abortion discussion. Not that I'm connected to that.

Read The Fountainhead so you can learn about how some people are inherently more important than others, and the riff-raff deserve their lot! This movie was ahead of its time. The Tea Party would be proud.

Jerry Orbach is good at golf. And very trusting. My daughter's never getting a random $250 she can't justify. Of course, she'll just know that and take advantage with a good cover story. But at least she'll feel bad.

The Lady is singing along in falsetto. She does that spontaneously sometimes. Not this time.

"Not a bad idea (... for y'all to do it.)" I'm not sayin, I'm just sayin he's sayin. I'm sayin.

Find the two. Whole different meaning if she says it to him.

Learning to dance makes you less frumpy because the backs disappear off your shirts and everything you own shrinks two sizes. It's true! (Apparently.)

"Feel the music (... and my penis.)"

"It's a heartbeat." He's going to touch her boob. And they'll make out.

Polka dot dance bikini. This are nice, wholesome dance lessons. Also, the other chick is having a mambo threesome (TL: "Baby Sandwich!") so she can kill a baby.

"Hungry Eyes." Subtle.

Two girls in fishnets, one with a belly shirt, the other with leotard. "Hungry Eyes" playing. Yup, it's the 80s. Except it's the 60s. Or something like that.

Either way, it's followed by our first lycra underpants/leggings combo.

He didn't tickle her pits. Now they're gonna do it for real for real.

No AAA? I know! Let's bash out a window. So we can still be wet, but inside the car. And out a hundred bucks.

... Smashed windows are the worst.

Balance exercises on a wooden log above a river? I remember this scene from the Japanese Street Fighter animated movie. It's less gay when it's not Ken and Ryu. And one of them's not a dude.

TL: "This is the part where he dances like a chicken."

She jump tackled him practicing lifts. And now they're in the water. If they don't make out this scene, he forfeits the man card. But he won't. Because the "Time of My Life" orchestral is back, and she's nipping out.

Mrs. Schumacher, we'll help you (... get old man penis. We're pros!)

Penny: "Thanks, Baby." Here's a dramatic monologue.

And you thought I was finished. Resume monologue, try for Oscar.

Emcee: "... Johnny Castle and partner." That's the reverse of straight porn. Unless it's Peter North.

Baby's hair in this scene? Not as awesome as Swayze's. But that's pretty awesome hair to compete with.

Baby's in the back. Johnny's her chaffeur. And lover. He totally just checked her out in the mirror. Aaaand she's climbing over the seat. And just gave him the FM eyes. He gave 'em back. It is ON!!

Straight to the staff quarters, and what did I tell you about those?

But wait – the abortion doc used a rusty knife and a folding table! Oh, brother. What a buzzkill.

Orbach to the rescue!

PS There were no abortions at Jew camp. That i know of.

Orbach, to Baby: "Take that stuff off your face." At least it wasn't jizz.

"It's a great room." There's even a chair under all those clothes. PS Wanna do it?

"I'm nothin!" "You're everything!" "It doesn't have to be that way! "I've never known anyone like you!"

"I'm scared of walking out of this room and never feeling like I feel the way I feel when I'm with you. (Also, nice abs.) Dance with me. Here. (And put your P in my V, please)."

I'll even touch your butt.

Okay, I'm in. Off with the shirt!

A serene lake shot is all I get?! Lame. Worst sex metaphor of all time.

Penny: "You gotta stop it now." Hahahahaha. Like that's gonna work.

"I got a lesson with the Kramers." Likely. Also, it just looked like Baby had to poop. I thought Tom Cruise patented that face.

"Where's my beige iridescent lipstick?" That's how you know the sister's a douche.

The Lady: "Charades ... (points to her no-no zone) in the west lobby."

"No, they were using me!" Brilliant! That's a classic reframing of player past to reveal some heart, deep down inside. Take lessons.
(Pause to pee for TL. I still haven't broken the seal. Only on Presidente tres! Also, we ate a snack. It was pumpkin bread. This has been deemed important. And The Lady will provide the recipe if you're jealous.)
"What's your real name, Baby?" "Frances." "That's a real grown-up name." Smooth.

"I've decided to go all the way with Robbie. You wouldn't care if i humped the entire army on the side of the Ho Chi Minh trail." WOW.

Now Baby's pretending she's the dance teacher. DUNZO. He's got her wrapped.

This "Love is Strange" lip-syncing thing, this is what our relationship is like when y'all aren't around. It's actually what's happening right now. The Lady is wildin' out.

The "pachanga"? These aren't real words. Also, these pants are so high-waisted, Baby's got a FUPA.

The Lady: "I've got bangs. (Makes chopping motion) Chup Chup Chup."

No, that wasn't relevant to anything having to do with the movie.

"I don't see you telling Daddy I'm your guy." Lame.

The Lady: "Baby's so skinny because she runs everywhere. Penny's wearing a Santa Claus belt."

Robbie: "Looks like I picked the wrong sister, but I went slumming too!" Uhm, no sir. Jennifer Grey's actually kind of hot here.

Hey Hawaiian shirt - sweet 'stache.

Cougar alert!! Code Blue! Jealous Jen Grey! Stay tuned!

Also, the Sister, she's like every High School musical rolled into one.

Also, apparently her flopping forward to close her routine is The Lady's favorite part (of this part of the movie, distinct from the three others).

"Tonight's the night with Robbie!" Knock on the door and no answer? He's doing someone else. I tried to type that before it happened, but she charged in too fast.

They're in bed post coital AGAIN. Ugh. This movie would've been 10 times better on Skinemax.

Aw, Johnny Castle's porn penis is jealous of Robbie's manhug from Old Man Orbach. Too bad Baby is BUSTED!!

"I'm sorry Baby, I can't." "This danish is pure protein." Wait, what?!

"The reason I know is because I was with him." Eesh. That's like the time I met an ex's dad for the first time since we started ... dating, and I shook his hand thinking, "I banged your daughter YESTERDAY."

There are a lot of things about me that aren't what you thought. if you love me, you have to love all of them. False. You just have to let that other ish go.

Swayze's hair? Still awesome.

"Not for nothin, Baby." "Nobody's ever done anything like that for me before."

The sunglasses are back! Now you know he's surrious. But he took 'em off to meet pops.

"I guess that's what you would see." chung-CHUNG

"More time for horsehoes and croquette." Sweet. If you're the Red Queen.

"I'll never be sorry!" "Neither will I!" "K.I.T. forever!" Smooch. This is so Jew Camp. With the addition of The Lady singing karaoke.

Baby so sad.

"Baby, I'll do your hair, make it look pretty. (Because it's normally pretty disgusting. I'm not saying ...)

This is the generic Greek song, right? The girl just said she had a Chi Omega one like it and I was pretty sure it was AEPi.

The black couple! Skinny ties! An abortion reveal! So much excitement.

The old man came out, and I was pretty sure he'd die onstage. Glad I lost that one. Old Jewish guys are my favorite.

Swayze shows up. With his hair. This is gonna be good.

"Nobody puts Baby in a corner!" I now understand that reference someone made a a while back. Apparently that line is well-known.

"Sit down, Jake. (That alpha man is going to ravage our daughter and you're just going to have to deal with it. Because his hair is AMAZING.)"

"Time of My Life" for real. And he didn't even tickle her pits. The Lady claims it's because she's in love. I wish I had known that tell years ago.

The Lady is wondering if we can have "Time of My Life" be our first dance, provided we learn the entire routine. She even practiced laughing at the right moment. Because I told her that would be a requirement.


And now everyone else knows these steps. Little did you know this was a setup.

The lift. chung-CHUNG. Orbach approves. And now let's play London Bridge.

The mom danced with the creeper. Who's totally going to go home and masturbate while crying. Or rape somebody.

Old Man Orbach (to Johnny): "When I'm wrong, I say I'm wrong." (to Baby): "You looked wonderful out there (and I'm going to hug you, because this is the last one I get in before he ravages you and I know it's happening. Veyasmir.")

They're making out in the middle of the dance floor without anyone noticing. That never happens in real life. Except for that one time it happened to me.

The Lady, with two thumbs up: "You did it!"

The Lady, upon reflecting: "It's a good movie. There's everything a plot needs to succeed ... and also dancing."

Truer words you've never heard. Provided you're female and born between 1975-90. Cheers?

Get the kid's debut chapbook, "Relationships I Might Have Had"

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Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Things I'm Pretty Sure I Think

Forty-six percent through the first book I e-borrowed from the NYPL, I'm pretty convinced I'm obsessed with the 2008 Presidential election, from its lead-up to its ongoing aftermath. Game Change is the latest long-form to be tackled, it's interrupted my simultaneous reading of two other books and there's no way to count the number of Rachel Maddow podcasts or Slate articles or Daily Beast columns or Matt Taibbi features or whatever the frak else I've chewed through.

It's all just so ... fascinating to me, from Obama's rise to Hillary's (unfortunate?) implosion to McCain's comeback and Rocketship Palin blasting off to the Tea Party and the supermajority (Stimulus! Health Care!) to Scott Brown and the midterm election blowback and yet policy wins (DADT Repeal!) among unfulfilled promises (Guantanamo, Wall St. Reform) and a near-shutdown over once-routine procedure.

[BREATHE, homey!]

Why this has awakened a politics-consuming beast I have no idea. But now I call my old man whenever something breaks to get his read, before railroading him with so many words I didn't even know I wanted to say. Mostly I feel limited because I don't think I can be a part of that world due to background (this blog, for starters. Ha.) and don't have the time to volunteer. I have to settle for the occasional CTC, and hope they spend it well. So lame.

In other news, I had a job interview today. So there's that.

Get the kid's debut chapbook, "Relationships I Might Have Had"

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Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Back in BK

Drinking wine,
watching Jersey Shore.

(What happens
when home alone.)

Ron and Sam are stupid.

... Again. Ugh.

Get the kid's debut chapbook, "Relationships I Might Have Had"

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Friday, August 26, 2011

How it Happens

Money tight, love your girl?
Propose with decoder ring.
Says yes? She loves you.

(Mine did.)

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

An Update, of Sorts

I have not been writing. Not a lament there, simply a fact. Not here, not in a notebook and not at work either. Been that kind of funk. With my own words, anyway. Done some layout and design ish for a few other people's projects, and to be fair, have been reformatting Relationships I Might Have Had with the intention of making it available via Amazon's Kindle store, as well as Createspace for anyone who'd like a hard copy on demand. Got a few ideas on the project front, though I've been a bit intimidated by finding out Brooklyn has 79 (!?) neighborhoods ... or so says Wikipedia.

General knowledge and some internet analysis cut that back down to 57, but good golly, that remains to be a few. Definitely more than the summer project I intended. However, it did lend itself to The Lady offering to help by illustrating (... a compromise to her initial suggestion of just eating a snack in each).

On the plus side, I successfully guided her through the first season of Battlestar Galactica. So I've got that going for me.

Get the kid's debut chapbook, "Relationships I Might Have Had"

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